my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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