Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
