Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
