Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
