Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
