Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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