The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
