last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
