Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
