Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
