why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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