Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
