Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
