I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
