Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
