Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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