I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
