I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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