I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
