it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
