I feel like abortions should bother me more
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
