if i can run in heels then i can drive
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
