i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Randomize
