I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
