i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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