every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
