Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
