I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
