life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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