I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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