Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
