so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
