I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
