I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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