Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
