i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
