I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
