wrigley field is MILF paradise
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
