thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
