She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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