Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
