So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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