I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
