I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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