a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
