so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
