his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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