you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My liver just had a heart attack.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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