I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Blood and glitter go together right?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Randomize
