I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
