and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
